Letting go

First off; A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone. Hope you’re all warm and toasty and with your loved ones.

Oh, and if you haven’t gone by and checked out http://www.jvhsnews.com yet, I really think you should. It’s be redone from the bottom up. Thanks to James and Sarah’s help of course.

Speaking of which, I started off the day by finishing stuff on the website, making the guide and what not, and replacing some links that no one noticed were gone/not working. Then I slept. I hate sleeping really. I feel like I’m missing out on life when I sleep. I don’t have 7-9 hours to just do nothing. I’ve got things to do and places to go and people to see. Granted, no one’s awake or anything open. But still, I’ve got stuff to do.

Afterwards, I realized it was Christmas Eve…Time really does fly.

Christmas or anything that happens during this winter break isn’t celebrated  that much at my house. New Years is with the fireworks and what not, but there’s no gathering of family, no photos, no visits, no gifts, no jolly and no mistletoe. We didn’t even put up lights this year. Of course I’m the only one bent on doing that, but not this year I guess. (2011 was just not my year I guess)

So anyway, after that realization, I spent most of the day looking for this little battery operated tree that I’ve had since I was little. Looked in my room. Nothing. Looked in garage. Nothing but got really really cold. Looked in the attic. Nothing, it’s still scary up there…but kinda fun. Closet. Nothing. So pretty much no where.  And now I’m writing this, and realizing this will be the first year in a long time without my tree.

You see, since we don’t celebrate, we don’t have a tree. But being a kid, I always somehow kept a little hope and light inside of me, and put up a little tree every Christmas Eve. At first it was without my parents knowing, because I thought they’d be mad. Then one year it was right in front of them. The past four years, I’ve put it up right after my birthday.

I don’t know why I kept it up. I guess I somehow knew that there was still something to hope for.  And before you ask, no, there were no miracles and there were gifts under the little tree. (by the way it’s like 8 inches tall) But I still did it year after year.

This will be the first year I don’t put it up. For one I can’t find it and two I think it’s time I stopped.

It’s a childhood tradition that needed to end anyway. I’m not overly depressed about it though. It was time to grow up anyway. And I’ve come to a realization. I’ve already gotten the best gift I could ever have gotten. I’ve got the gift of friends. People around me and people I know and care about dearly. Yeah they might not be around all the time, but I know they’re around. That’s all I really needed. That, and the hope put back into me.  The tree has always been a tad hypocritical of myself anyway. Since I say I don’t need material objects to be happy. (Which is not true of course from what I’ve learned)  But it’s lost. Hope is still here. And I’ll sleep well

The light and hope that the tree held for me, is now in my heart.

The tree is out there (or in here) somewhere.

I just hope it’s not too cold for it.

P.S. I still kinda want my tree :/ Maybe next year.

I’m in the process of finding my anchor again. It’s harder than it was last time though. I’m not sure where it is or what it is. But I’ll find it.

Have a goodnight everyone.

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