Today taught me a couple of things, I don’t really know if I like what I learned…but I’ll say this, I had an enjoyable time learning it. (Well, enjoyable and awkward)
The day started off like any other day, woke up at 6, dropped mom off at work, got ready for a run, couldn’t find my socks again. I think the dryer’s eating them. Went for run I really think I’m liking running better than biking now. Got back and showered, crashed for a couple of hours, and then went to help my dad fix his car. Later went to the mall and got my brother a jacket, rushed over to pick up one of the sophomores and then went to another sophomores house.
Why is a senior hanging with sophomores you might ask? Trust me. I ask myself that every single time.
One of the reasons was that most of them haven’t been out of their houses much at all other than to go to different places. I think that kids should be outside playing games, being active and such. That’s what they really need…not video games and computers. Yes. I realize the irony in that. So after hours of texting and trying to figure out stuff. we all walked over to Starbucks across/down the street, and had coffee and such…and as usual, sophomores will be typical sophomores. Though what really hit me while standing there watching these four extremely awesome guys who can be really weird and not so smart, yet so much fun; was Why the world am I here with these guys?
Now, I’m not saying I don’t like hanging out with them, that’s not the issue. It was why am I, an 18 year-old who finds that what they’re doing or saying is only remotely funny or similar to what I’m thinking; so bent on trying to get to know them better? Why am I trying to understand them? Why do I always want to be so much more like them, so much more carefree about life and just living the moment and just so, well to be frank like a teenager.
See pretty much all my childhood, either I’ve made myself or I’ve been taught to be a grown-up. I’ve been taught to BE A MAN. And I’ve pretty much followed that. I don’t know why…but it has.
And now that I’m ready to accept being just a normal person. I can’t. I struggle with it. You know how they say high school is about finding yourself and what not? As much I hate to say it, it is about that. It’s finding where you fit in life and how you fit. I don’t know where I fit. I can hang with sophomores, freshman, juniors, and seniors. I can talk to mostly any person in any “clique” quite with ease. (After I get past my shyness) But I don’t fit into anything. I’m not … well I don’t know. I’m just me. I’m just a
floater. Flyer (I like airplanes more than boats)
I think one of the times I really tired to be just me, was during the homecoming dance, I let myself just relax and enjoy what was going on. I even danced like a crazy idiot for goodness sake….it was one of the most amazing nights of my life…I was just existing for once and not trying to be anything. I want more moments in life like that.
And in a weird way, I’m perfectly ok with that. for now
I’m sure eventually I’ll find who I really am or what the world my purpose is here on earth. For now, I’m going to stop trying to fit in and be someone I’m not ever going to be. After all, why try to fit in when you’re born to stand out?
I think it’s strange that I can think like this and still be somewhat sane. I’m sure I’m not the only one like this…but sometimes it feels that way. I’m great full for my friends though, now that I’ve finally found how much they mean to me.
For the sophomores and those that are younger than me, I’ll still be there to give them rides home or take them to Panera or sit and watch them play video games or sit while they tie my shoes in weird ways and pretty much whatever just because I can, but they’re growing up too. Eventually they won’t need me to be around. But I’ll be here. Every single one of them is like a brother to me. I care about them, I’m extremely proud of what they’re accomplishing by themselves, and I know they’ll go far in their lives.
For those that are older, I’ll still be the person that I’ve always been, always trying to be as respectful and helpful as I can. I won’t say you’ll always like my existence, or my weirdness or even my immaturity at times, but I’ll try not to annoy you too much at all.
You might have found me, but the me you’ve found is only a shell, the real me is ready to fly and just exist for once in my life.
Just me flying