I’m not the Man…ny I wanted to be.

I worry a lot.  About everything. Ok so maybe it’s not such a bad thing to worry, but when it starts to take a toll to the point where you’re staying up late or not able to sleep because of it…you know you’ve got learn to chill out.

That’s my problem. I don’t know how to chill out. I’ve never known really it’s always been hard for me not to be working…or not worrying about why I’m not being productive. of course that’s not all that I worry about 

I worry about the little things like what I’m wearing tomorrow, or if I’ll have to get up and get water in a few seconds because I’m really thirsty. I worry about the big things like what the freak am going to do after I graduate? What am going to do before I graduate? What about summer? I don’t have anything planned. to be honest what worries me the most is that I don’t know what I want to do in life, other than change lives and help the greater good. I mean that really just means I should be a superhero…but there’s no class for that. There’s nothing for that.

I’ve learned and fallen in love with so many things during my 4 years high school, I’ve drafted, manged projects, written, filmed, edited, scripted, directed, organized, researched, public relation-ized, spoken, shot photos, web designed, and so many more little things and big ones.

What career does that give me? Truth is, I DON’T KNOW! 

And that scares me. It makes me worry so much.

I worry about what’s going to happen to the programs that I’m in. I know that it may sound like it’s all about what I’ve done, and normally I hate taking credit for anything, and I’m not going to do it now either, because I haven’t done much aside from help the families grow and develop. I don’t want to see them broken. I don’t want the teacher that I’ve come to consider to be the biggest part of my Ohana. The biggest part of my life. I don’t think I can deal with that. So I worry. I try to let go and let others do what I’ve been doing, but it’s not the same. I hate being like this.  I hate it so much. 

Why can’t high school last forever? 

I know for some people, high school is the worst time of their lives, but for me, it was the best time of my life. I truly found out what it’s like to be alive and actually do things that are fun. Well what I consider fun that is.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ll be able to survive in the world out there…I’d be lost like I am right now. And I’d start to worry myself till I just ran and hid forever.

Right now, I’m worried about the small things.  Some day I’ll worry about the big ones… or rather some second later I’ll worry about the big ones. I don’t know what to do really…I’m lost.

I know that I’m supposed to be living life to the fullest because time’s flying away…but I’m not so sure I can handle that.

I just don’t know at all

This is not the man I hoped to be
And I’m just trying to stop the bleeding
I don’t know how to word it
I just started to deserve it
And all my, all my faces are alibis
And me, I’m half the man I wanted to be

– “Alibis” by Marianas Trench – Awesome Song should go listen to

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