I refuse to sink.

Finally got rid of the weird globe looking thing in my header…replaced it with the image there now…well part of the image.
I refuse to sink again. I refuse to drop into what I was in last summer. I will not follow that train of thought of again. What scares me is that I was extremely close to going down that way again today. I will not do that to myself or the people around me.

A lot of it is just because I start to over analyze and over-think things. But that’s in my nature.

I need to find my anchor again. I can’t even type this post completely today. I’m lost. Every once in a while I’ll think that I’ve found my place and some part of my anchor….but then I start thinking. And that’s when things go downhill. Fast.

It mainly happens when I’m thinking about life after high school…which I tend to try and ignore. (Yeah I know I have a running countdown going every time I post something, shhh) Something about not knowing just makes me want to fall into my pit again and never ever ever come out again.

My pit isn’t that bad of place either, it’s nice and dark and quiet and really just all for me. So that actually sounds pretty bad to me right about now…well not really. I like quiet and dark…just not pit-like I guess.

I don’t know. I JUST DON’T KNOW! and I hate not knowing. 

Today, I talked with one our custodians at school, it’s not something that’s weird for me, I do it quite often actually. I love talking to them, they give a different view of things. It’s nothing big, a typical hello and how was your day and then a goodbye and have a great weekend or what not. Today was diffrent though. She asked me if I was going to Prom. Bare with me here, I know I’ve gotten a little sidetracked, but I really didn’t know how to answer other than – “uhhh…I might….I mean I’m guessing my friends would force me to go anyway…and…uhmm..yeah.” Well that just wasn’t enough. She made me promise that I would go to Prom, and that I would come back and give her my senior photos (I guess that means I actually do have to get those taken care of…I wasn’t planing on needing them). Now normally I don’t make promises that I can’t keep or don’t want to keep or what not. But I promised her that I would both go to prom, and give her my senior photo. Why? I have no clue….but it just goes to show how one little thing can change a day. I love our custodians. I wish more people would get to know them, I wish I would have gotten to know them a little more.

I don’t know anything else. It was a pretty ok day other than that little mess up. Hopefully it doesn’t happen again…NO. It will not happen again. Because I’m searching for my anchor and I’m not going to let myself sink into that pit again. I’m stronger than that. Much stronger. It’s time I started being the stronger and more me me. I keep saying that over and over again.

These times are hard. But they will pass. Everything’s going to be alright, maybe not today, but eventually. 

Hmm I might actually get this posted before 12 am today.

144 (Sigh…)




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