If you’re going to read this, please be aware that I’m not going to actually do anything to harm myself, I just think like this a lot…what you’re about to read is how my mind works…well almost how my mind works…since right now my mind is telling me I shouldn’t be writing this in the first place.
I’ve always believed that actions are stronger than words, and in most cases they are. I can’t say I was ever hurt physically. (Well…I can say that actually, it happened once every few times when I was little) Sometimes I wish I was hurt physically though. Why? For no other reason than the fact that broken bones, bruises, cuts, and etc. all heal. The emotion and mental issues don’t heal as fast, if ever.
There’s this box of chocolates at home today, I saw them as I was walking past to go get a water bottle. I’d normally reach in and get one…it’s ok for me now to have one every once in a while. But something happened. I stopped myself. I dropped the chocolate back. Pulled my hand out, and just walked away.
I thought to myself, Why the world did I do that? You’ve already lost like 60 pounds…you can have one little chocolate can’t you? No. No you can’t have one! You don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve the chocolate.
I’m not good enough for it. I’m not prefect. I haven’t done anything today. I don’t deserve to have the luxury of something like that. Not when I’ve only stood around and slept all day.
I thought you said you weren’t going to let yourself sink like this again. You’re stronger than that remember?
I’m not strong enough. I am weak. I don’t deserve it.
My life hasn’t been a walk in the park, then again your’s probably hasn’t either…so why do I bother telling you? Because I can’t handle these thoughts in my brain anymore.
I’ve always pushed myself to prove to people that I can do things. That I’m not just some ugly kid that looks weird and does weird things. Mostly I’ve tired to prove to my parents and family that I’m good enough. That I’m not the lazy person or the child that no one should have. I’m not the stupid kid that knows nothing.
As much as I’d like to believe I’m not, every time I mess up or find myself wasting time, or giving myself a luxury, I find myself thinking that I am lazy, that I am stupid, that I am fat, that I’m worthy enough to even be alive in this world.
And that’s when the downhill roller coaster starts.
It’s also another reason why I hate compliments about me. I would be lying if I said I’d love to be told I’m a genius or I’m a great kid every day…but in all honesty, I’d hate it…because I’m not a genius. I’m not a great kid. I mess up a lot. A lot.
I haven’t solved any huge problems. I’ve done nothing that someone else couldn’t have or hasn’t already done.
So I put on a fake smile, and stay quiet and just say “I can only try”
If you’ve read this far, you’ve realized I’m really quite confused about life.
This is my logic though, Whenever I feel bad about how life has treated me and I feel like I deserve better than how I’m being treated, I remind myself that there are 7 billion others out there. It’s not all just about me. I never want to be all about me, that’d kill me. Of those 7 billion, there’s more than a handful who don’t even have the basics that I have so much of. Some of them don’t even have water or food. Why aren’t the complaining like I am? They’re living their lives…some of them are begging for help. And I’m up here on some kind of freaking throne ruling over them while I’m eating a huge meal. They deserve the chocolate more than I do. They’ve been thorough a lot more than I have. Why though? Why can’t I do something to help them?
Oh that’s right…I don’t have money, I don’t know what to trust. I’m just a kid. I’m a just a stupid messed up kid that can’t do anything right. And here we are. Back to square 1. Why?
Earlier I posted about wanting a relationship. Honestly I don’t think I could handle it. I don’t think I could handle someone being there for me. It’s like chocolate. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve for someone to hold my hand. I shouldn’t be doing that. I should making myself better. Proving myself to be better. Proving that I’m worthy of living.
I couldn’t handle it. Someone liking me for who I am? Please.
I love being social…but I hate it at the same time…because every time before I meet someone, I think to my self…that’s someone I could disappoint. or that someone doesn’t need someone like me messing up their lives. I’ll never know unless I try…but I don’t want to try. I don’ t want to hurt others or myself. I just don’t.
The people around may not feel like that anymore, but the looks I get, the things I’m told. I know they still look at me like that sometimes. I know I have yet to be the man I or they want me to be.
These thoughts are what keep me up at night, what worry me, and what make me sink.
Lately, my heart’s been starting to pound faster and faster out of no where…I’ll just be sitting down and and thump thump thump thump after thump it’ll get harder and louder. I worry about it…but on the inside, I hope it means something’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s my time. I wish it would hurry up. But no. I can’t die…because if I go..I will have never proven myself. or changed the world. I’ll have been exactly what I’ve learned is expected of me..nothing more.
And then of course my logic crashes down on me again when I think to myself…why do I have to prove anything? I don’t have to. I’m just a kid…I’m only 18. I’ve got who knows how many years still ahead of me. Why should I care so much? So what if I’m messed up? Doesn’t everyone deserve a little happiness in their lives?
I think about the good things in life…and they all turn out bad in my head. WHY?
I want to stop thinking like this. I really do.
It’s gotten to the point where I can’t focus anymore.
I keep trying to find little escapes. From working on a big project or just hanging out with the others or the sophomores who I owe so much to.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Nothing makes sense.
139 Days Till Graduation.