Fear & Future

Fear is the basis for almost every action. Every single one.

Why do people not care about things? They fear what might happen.
Why didn’t you say hello that to person they like? They’re afraid of something.
Fear of what could happen, what is happening, what might happen, what didn’t happen. Fear is everywhere. If anyone says to you that they’re not afraid of anything, it’s complete and utter bull.

I stayed up till about 3ish last night. I couldn’t sleep…and had slept after hanging out with my ohana. I didn’t want yesterday to end. It was prefect. But I wasn’t relaxed or chill. I acted like I was, some small way yesterday, going to Panera and Yogurt Cup was just a way to get things off my mind.

It helped. But I still fear.

The day before I went to my doctor,  he wasn’t there but his colleague saw me instead. It was supposed to be a normal blood draw and that was it…but then it happened again. The heart beating. Damn this stupid thing…why does it have to beat like that right now? crap. she’s going to check my heart rate. and so she did…and it was higher…a lot higher…just like it’s always been getting. I don’t know how or why. I don’t think I’m that stressed. I’ve dealt with this amount, even more than this before. Why now? Why today? Why me? 

And then…I made myself think of all the other 7 billion people…and how any one of their lives could be horridly worse than mine right at this moment in time. My heart was still beating. Fast. But I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t feel it anymore. I’d hidden it..

But that wasn’t enough for the doctor. She called in a triage situation…had me checked out from top to bottom. Height…grew .25 inches, weight…lost two more pounds…Blood pressure…high… Temperature…high…Hearbeat… abnormal.

By then my hands were shaking…what the freak is wrong with me? Get your self in order I told my brain repeatedly. Calm down.  Then it hit me. the Fear.

No. I needed to find out what was wrong…don’t calm down you stupid kid. Just listen.

What I heard wasn’t exactly the best.

We need to send you to a cardiologist. You need to be looked at.

That’s not what they tell 18 year old boys. That’s what the tell old men and women.

And now I’m sitting here waiting till Monday rolls around so I can call and make the appointment.

Who knows…maybe they’ll find something.

They did in my dream last night. It wasn’t the best thing. but it worked.

And Now I’m just afraid of what’s going to happen to me.

But I’m going to keep working like I always have. I haven’t passed out or anything serious yet. No reason to overly worry about it.

Day 133


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